Your brain quits when life isn’t cinematic

Social media algorithms might be the eight wonders of the world, because whatever you see in social media is curated specifically for you, down to the comments. If you're too lazy to read it (but still read this article instead, I love you), let me sum it up for you: your reality as of now is structured by the social media, and your brain might get used to it even in the real world.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, we often think in a polarizing sense. The good vs bad. Right vs wrong. This vs that. You vs me. The core logic of: only one is true, and the rest is untrue. That Thanos is bad and the Avengers is good. That 'love' must overcome anything. Or the notion that money is everything.

Well, let me give you the breaking news: All can be true at the same time.

Also, I'm team Thanos. If I were Thanos I wouldn't snap my finger though. I'd fucking clap my hands. And I'd clap hard. Right, let's get back to the main topic: Your brain, our brain, is a drama queen.

Drama is Easier Than Thinking

Because drama uses extremes. Let me show how smart your brain is. We match reality with the opposite dream. Let's say there's a lady born from a poor neighbourhood. what would be a good story to write? Yes, yes of course, ultra rich, young, good-looking single men who court the lady to be his wife.

Another one: A savage businessman that has no morals in getting money -> Hell / Karma / afterlife punishment.

Another one (2): Stable lady who was on a vacation on a large ship in the middle of the North Atlantic Sea with her fiancé? Attractive young man, so-called love of her life.

All of it is a good story (you know it) to watch or read, but in the real world we know it's nowhere near that (we know it). And yet, we think exactly in the same extremes.

  • Your partner doesn't care about you because they don't understand you. (because they should understand you when they love you, right?)
  • If you're not happy, something is wrong with your life.
  • If you're anxious, it means there's something wrong.
  • If you're not successful by [insert age], you're a failure.

To sum it up, this way of thinking is efficient. As efficient as your muscle memory so that you almost don't need to think at all. Like driving somewhere you've been many times. Or washing dishes. Or nodding to your boss without even agreeing to anything. By thinking in extremes, your brain reserves energy because it's easier to comprehend, everything is simple and predictable. No surprises, no heartbreak, no disappointment, no chaos. Only mental efficiencies and you are safe from everything, including the reality that might be different. But hey, as long as you feel safe, all is good, right?

On the opposite side: thinking not in the extreme requires energy: weighing possibilities, tolerating uncertainty, holding contradictions. Nuance is energy consuming. What if he's right? What if she truly is sorry? What if pursuing your dream actually make you happy?

And because of that, we don't like to think in nuance. Too much effort. Why take the hard part if we can choose the easy part, right? You can choose to be extremely good, or extremely bad, as long as you're not choosing both. Choosing both was normal. God be damned if you were normal. Normal is now frowned upon.

How does it happen?

This extreme, polarizing thinking happens because you've been taught about it early in life. Pay attention to the details because details matter. You're either a good boy or a bad boy. You're right, or you're wrong. And decades later, you never reassess it. You just kinda accept it. 'the way it is' they said, and you nod obediently.

Now, there are some situations where you need to make a decision fast, and you need to decide like you would switch a light. These are critical and high-stakes situations. Like when you get bitten by a snake, or when you're held at gunpoint. Try to think whether the snake intentionally bit you or whether it's not. Even better, try to talk with it to gain some closure. You get me here? That's a sarcasm btw, and if you don't get it we need some serious talk.

So what's wrong with right or wrong, good and bad?

Nothing actually, if you prefer it that way. It's just that when you reduce the world and everything in it to be binary, you can only see two colors: black and white. Unless that's your kink, we live in the era of full spectrum of colors, baby! If polarizing views are black and white, then nuanced view would mean Fifty Shades of Grey. Or pink. Or blue. And by colors I mean the modern colors. Back then, we had black and white movies, and then we got HD movies, and then now we have sparkling clear 4K movies with 24-bit colors.

Our brain is just like TV. The more you upgrade your brain, the more you can see more details, better range of meanings, and overall it makes you experience life better.

Does better mean easier? You can only hope. We can't possibly see life in full range if you're not willing to upgrade your own brain.

How to upgrade your brain to see more nuance

First, you need to learn emotional regulation, because reality is never about skill or knowledge. You also need to learn to handle discomfort or pain (the good pain, not the useless one). You need a good sense of who you are, commonly put as self-esteem, and you need to have a rather stable one (because if your sense of worth is fragile, your brain needs immediate labels to feel stable). You also need the ability to dim the world: pause, reflect, considered the layers and learn from it.

That sounds like a lot of work.

It fucking is. You think this one article would magically change your mind and that's it? What are you, nine? You couldn't upgrade your TV just by changing its remote so why on earth would you think improving one area of your life would do it? Okay okay, I'm sorry. To be fair, improving your life means improving many areas of your life but let's talk about it later.

Honest question: Do you truly want to change?

Not everyone wants to change. Most people change only when they need to, not because they want to. They simply don't see the appeal of changing if everything is fine now. This goes back to the principle of "Why choose the hard path if you can walk on the easy one?". My friend, let me tell you something:

You either have your pain now, or pain later. It is inevitable.

The world's changing fast, your metabolism changes with age, and your parents won't be around forever. You change for the better or the world will make you do it in a hard way.

Some people want to change, but they don't know how to. If you have even the tiniest spark of change, then I'm writing this entire blog for you. Keep reading.

Curiosity is the root of change

I'd say nuanced thinking is the hallmark of cognitive maturity. And I'd say it starts from curiosity, the ability to question everything. Curiosity is the gateway of truth and it's the exact opposite of comfort. Curiosity breaks patterns, and as long as you have it, you can adapt to everything life throws at you. Again, it's a double-edged sword. Curiosity sits between your instinct to explore and your ability to think. Without thinking, you'll test even the stupidest theories. Like whether a train can flatten a coin.

It shows you whether there's another possibility. It forces you to think about whether there's a version of the story where this or that is not fully right or fully wrong. It forces the brain to open windows it kept shut, whether because you've been told to keep it shut or because you were never aware in the first place.

Learn shades of anything

Everything under the sun is nuanced. For emotions, learn Plutchik's wheel of emotions. Colors have combinations. Languages also have shades, degrees of strength. Annoyed, angry, rage, and furious all have different meanings. To use one for everything would be the same as knowing only one color shade. Imagine you talk to someone who insists pink = red, just because they can only see red. You see how frustrating it is? Language shapes thought. Learn phrases. Can you imagine this conversation if it were taken literally:

You: How's your work today?

Me: Piece of cake!

You: You ate some cake?

Me: ....

Break Your Own Pattern

Have I convinced you to at least consider a step to see the world in nuances? If yes, I'm proud of you already. I'd like you to try it. How, you ask? Observe the crack. Try to find anything, any situation that you'd be inclined to both sides. Maybe you want to be honest but at the same time you want to protect someone's feelings? Or perhaps you want solitude but also crave for connection at the same time? Or probably you love your job but deep down you want to escape it?

Once you see through the cracks, you can never unsee it. You'll start seeing nuances. Welcome to the world of colors.